Motivaciones para autoexplotarse

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SSLM. Llevo un par de semanas maravillándome del aguante que tiene el cuerpo humano, sobre todo cuando encuentra suficientes motivaciones para autoexplotarse. Ayer, por ejemplo: me decidí a ir con Pipeke y sus compañeros de la escuelita, de 1 a 3 años, a la primera excursión grande que hizo con el cole. Bueno, grande, grande, tampoco: fue al Aquarium Finisterrae, a cinco o seis kilómetros, pero fue la primera vez que Eva visitó un lugar diferente con sus compañeritos. Excuso decir que fueron muy buenos, se portaron genial y disfrutaron muchísimo.

Habiendo dejado a Eva en el bus de vuelta medio dormida, me senté en mi coche, exhausta, dispuesta a enfilar la carretera en dirección a la Universidade da Coruña, donde iba a asistir a un curso sobre Educación Para el Desarrollo. Iba pensando en lo genial que había sido ver la cara de flipe de mi hija mientras observaba a unas medusas acariciando el agua, al caballito de mar esconderse tras las rocas o a un enorme tiburón pasando por delante de sus narices. Estar al lado de tu hija mientras descubre el mundo (foto destacada) es la sensación más increíble que yo he experimentado en mi vida. Fue agotador, pero realmente mereció la pena.

Mientras cogía el desvío hacia la Universidad, me di cuenta del sueño que tenía y del tremendísimo cansancio que llevaba acumulado. ¿No os pasa a veces que, después de unos días intensos pensáis en todo lo que os queda por hacer y, de repente, os da un bajón de energía de esos para preocuparse? A mí hacía tiempo que no me pasaba, pero ayer a mediodía os juro que me costó salir del coche cargando con mi carpeta y mi manual, empujar la puerta de la facultad e incluso sentarme a escuchar, a pesar de que la EPD es uno de los temas que más me interesan del mundo. Al final, las cosas que nos contaban los profesores lograron centrar toda mi atención y, poco antes de las 9 de la noche, me dirigía a recoger a Pipeke de casa de los abus con una sonrisa, dándole vueltas a todo lo que esa tarde había aprendido. Porque sí: esa autoexplotación, esas horas de curso también merecieron la pena.

De noche, después de dormir a la peque, me senté a terminar unos ejercicios de Derecho Civil. A pesar de que para hacerlos cuento con la inestimable ayuda de una amiga, que no sabe cuánto le agradeceré sus emails aclaratorios, y de un compañero, que me tiende su paciente mano en los momentos de mayor desesperación, me agobié nada más  leer el primer ejercicio y de repente sentí un nudo, ese tipo de nudo que no deja que el aire que respiras llegue abajo, un nudo difícil de tragar que te ata la garganta cuando empiezas a sospechar que nunca jamás llegarás a entender algo, que ese algo no es lo tuyo… o lo que es lo mismo, que no merece la pena.

Me metí en la cama sin cenar con el dolor de cabeza más intenso que he tenido en los últimos años.

derechoY hoy he amanecido agobiada, a las 9 de la mañana, escuchando los martillazos de mi vecino, mientras unos rayos de sol se colaban por las rendijas de la persiana y me sugerían que un día precioso de diciembre acechaba al otro lado… un día precioso que voy a pasarme encerrada tratando de comprender unos crípticos apuntes de Derecho Civil II. Todo esto, mientras mi casa de la aldea permanece otro finde más cerrada, húmeda y congelada a 150 kilómetros de este bloque de pisos situado junto a esta maldita arteria urbana que me trae por la calle de la amargura, mi vecino de arriba taconea y da martillazos a partes iguales y mi familia da un paseo bajo el sol de diciembre, el mismo sol que en días como hoy, más que iluminar, me lastima en los ojos y me hace cerrar las cortinas.

Así que he tomado la decisión de aparcar el Derecho por una larga temporada.

Eso sí: lo que he empezado, pienso acabarlo… tengo dos asignaturas que no quiero suspender, y he tenido que buscar una motivación para seguir con ellas. Este finde me lo pasaré sentadita en mi mesa enfrentada al Derecho Civil; y el próximo mes lo dedicaré a estudiar para hacer los exámenes, aprobarlos, y cerrar por una larga temporada el capítulo de mi vida dedicado a las leyes. Entonces, Beca Mami mediante, me centraré en algo en lo que el cansancio, las horas, los desvelos y el esfuerzo, en lugar de minarme moralmente y acabar conmigo, me llenen de energía y me hagan pensar que sí, que estoy poniendo mi cuerpo y mi cerebro al límite, que me estoy autoexplotando, pero que realmente merece la pena.

Así que aquí me tenéis, escribiendo uno de mis posts largos y quejumbrosos con una montaña de apuntes recién impresos esperándome, observándome, preparados para que les meta mano… una montaña de apuntes que, el 25 de enero por la noche, arderán en una enorme hoguera que pienso encender en el jardín de atrás de mi casa de la aldea mientras me tomo un vinito y pienso en la enorme cantidad de tiempo que tendré a partir de entonces… tiempo para autoexplotarme, para ponerme al límite, para explorar las fronteras del cansancio haciendo, eso sí, algo que realmente me guste hacer. La sola imagen de mí misma pensando en ese “algo“, de pie en mi jardín, mirando cómo las partículas incandescentes se elevan y se llevan para siempre la “Teoría general del contrato” de mi vida, esa imagen, decía, es la motivación que necesitaba para darme una ducha, ponerme el chándal, y encerrarme el resto del finde a leer leyes que no entiendo.

Y ya os contaré si ha funcionado…

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