Limones bailarines

4

Las aplicaciones del iPhone que hacen un seguimiento del embarazo son la leche. Tiene su gracia ir viendo día a día, o semana a semana, cuáles son los “avances” de la criatura. Hoy, por ejemplo, una de ellas me dice que me faltan 176 días para el parto, y que el bebé tiene ahora mismo el tamaño de un “limón amarillo”.

Yo no conozco más limones que los amarillos (y alguno verde, supongo), así que, esta vez, me quedé la mar de satisfecha. Otra de las apps me dice que estos días las orejas se le están colocando en su sitio definitivo, y una tercera me anima a comer algo dulce si tengo ganas de darme un capricho (no me conoce bien esta aplicación).

Pero otros días, las aplicaciones resultan ofensivas e incluso se contradicen. Hace un par de semanas, una de ellas me ordenaba que mantuviera una dieta sana. Por “dieta sana” esta gente no entiende un filete con patatas o una ensalada normal y corriente… y eso a mí me enfada mucho. Entiendo que una dieta sana es lo contrario a desayunar Phoskitos, comer donuts, merendar una tortilla de chorizo y cenar garbanzos con bacalao, pero que el concepto de “sano” para algunos medios signifique irse al extremo opuesto, y denominar “sano” todo lo que sea añadir cosmo-adjetivos a la comida normal, me ofende.

Ejemplo ilustrativo: desayunar un colacao y una tostada con mermelada no es sano. Lo sano es desayunar una taza de leche desnatada (o un vaso de agua del grifo cuando sale blanquecina, que es lo mismo), una tostada integral de fibra (y si está reblandecida, mejor) y un poco de mermelada light (light? mmm…).

También me hace gracia que las aplicaciones, las páginas web e incluso las fotocopias de consejos que me da la ginecóloga hablen del “marido”. A veces también se refieren a él como “padre”, que menos mal, pero muy pocas hablan de “la pareja”. Porque ¿cómo saben si antes del embarazo hubo boda? ¿quién le ha dicho a la aplicación que mi pareja no es otra mujer y que esto no ha sido una inseminación artificial? En mi caso, solo me ofende que llamen “marido” a quien no lo es (y ya les gustaría a muchísimos maridos llegar a hacerle sombra), pero comprendería el sentimiento de ofensa de quien sí esté en alguno de los otros dos casos.

Pero bueno, reconozco que las aplicaciones de premamás tienen un puntazo. Saber qué está pasando ahí dentro satisface un 50% de mi curiosidad, de momento… el otro 50% quedará cubierto cuando sepa, por fin, si es niño o niña. Pero para eso aún quedan semanas. Por ahora, me conformo con la información de estos días porque además, mi batería de apps me cuenta que, en breve, ya empezaré a notar cómo el limón amarillo empieza a bailar debajo de mi ombligo.

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